Several years ago our kids’ youth pastor asked parents for recommended parenting techniques. My response is below.
For single parents and those who know and love single parents, which is all of us, please see the Epilogue below with respect to single parents.
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My recommended parenting technique:
have a great marriage.
… walking with Great-Grandparents, married 60 years
The principle that a husband and wife are “one” is familiar to us.
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Gen. 2.24. Jesus repeats, “and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh.” Mark 10:8.
Why are a husband and wife “one?” In Malachi 2:25, the Prophet writes:
The benefits to children from a great marriage abound.
Modeling. It is helpful and influential for kids to have a good model to follow. It gives a vision and a pattern. To his spiritual children, the Apostle Paul exhorted, “Be imitators of me.” Imagine building a building without plans, or cooking something totally new without a recipe. It can be done, but having a pattern is a great advantage.- Security. Kids derive security from the bond of their parents’ connection and commitment to each other. Of course security also comes from honesty, trustworthiness, time spent with your kids, honoring and being responsive to your child’s needs, feelings and fears, and healthy boundaries. And ultimately from God Himself.
- Nurture. A husband is to nurture and care for his wife, so that she is “like a fruitful vine within your house,” and “your children like olive plants around your table.” Ps. 128.3. But notice the primacy is first the wife, then the kids.
- Balance. We are all a little whacked. We need our spouses to complement and balance us out. Opposites do attract. It is not good for man to be alone. He needs a helper. In my case that is especially true. My wife is always the first one aware of when I am off track and how to get me back where I belong, especially in parenting.
- Grace. Grace abounds in a good marriage. We all make mistakes. Love keeps no record of wrongs. The availability of grace and forgiveness opens the door to confession, repentance and authenticity. Judgment and legalism chills those things. When kids see grace at work in their parents’ marriage, they learn how to recover from mistakes, and that it is safe to do so.
- Backup. All critical systems, whether computer systems, automotive safety systems, or families, benefit from backups and redundancy. If there is a problem with a system – or a parent – there is another solution. If Mom or Dad is sick, traveling, distracted or just having a bad day, God has designed for there to be not just an alternate, but a partner who is already in sync and up to speed, to step in and temporarily fill the gap with a minimum of disruption.
There is a great error prevalent in our society that in a family, the kids come first. It is true that as adults, we parents (collectively) must sacrifice and attend to the needs of children who cannot meet their own needs. But the family relationship that must come first is the marriage. The imagery of an airplane oxygen mask is apt. We first must put the mask on our self and then assist the child. The reason for this priority is our ability to tend to the needs of our children depends first on our availability to do so. A strong, healthy marriage makes both Mom and Dad more available to the kids.
The marriage comes first. In natural terms, the physical union precedes the offspring. In relational and spiritual terms, that is also true.
When the marriage is given priority and flourishes, loving and effective parenting follows. If the marriage is placed subordinate to parenting, both suffer.
When the marriage is whole and healthy, that is a great platform from which to face the wonderful, complex, daunting and fulfilling mission of raising precious children. When the marriage is out-of-order, the foundational (human) relationship in a family is not working. All other parenting techniques take a back seat to this foundational one.
This is of course not all there is to parenting. There is vastly more. But this is the first step, and a very important one.
And there is much more that needs to be said than can be said here such as what makes for a great marriage, what to do if one is not married, and why marriage in the first place. How can we encourage those married, and perhaps struggling, and the many single parents who especially need our love and support? Perhaps, you reader, will comment? Check back for more on these and other topics.
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Epilogue for single parents:
Many are single parents for all kinds of reasons. For vast numbers of families, perhaps the majority, including in the Church, children are not being raised by their parents who are married to each other. Children are often, perhaps most often, raised in single parent or blended family households.
For me to hold out the ideal that parenting is best done by parents who are married to each other, and married well, risks hurting and alienating many excellent, loving parents who are single, never married, or remarried, for whatever reason, including many who are close and precious to me. It is not my intention to cause pain or offend. So how should we approach this issue?
None of us ever fully live up to our ideals. All of us are damaged goods and imperfect people. Yet this reality is not an excuse to disregard ideals or ever cease striving toward them.
May I suggest we keep these precepts in mind?
- No judging or condemnation. Of ourselves or others. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. … Who is the one who condemns? It is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.”
- Don’t bemoan the past. Accept the present. Press on toward the future. One of my favorite aphorisms from a former pastor is “They call it the past because it is past.” We cannot change the past, though all of us wish we could. No matter; it is time to take stock of where we are now and press forward as full of faith and obedience as we can from this point forward. We say with the Apostle Paul, “Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
- Press on toward the ideal. From your present circumstance, what are the best decisions that can now be made?
It is no coincidence that God promises to be a protector of the widow, and a father to the fatherless, or that James writes that true religion is for us to aid widows and orphans in their distress. God knows life often does not go according to plan. For this reason He promises His strength in our weaknesses, and grace that is more than sufficient for our shortcomings. Rather than call us out, He comes to our aid, and calls us to aid one another. Let us say, with Paul, that we forget what lies behind and strain forward toward what lies ahead, pressing on toward the upward call in Christ Jesus.
It should come as no surprise that we all fall short of God’s perfect plan in many ways. But let us not adopt frequent or even typical circumstances as those that are optimum or ideal. Let us not keep silent in proclaiming and modeling God’s best plan for families, marriages and children, or give in to a silence born out of well-intended but misplaced notions of politeness and sensitivity. For the sake of the next generation, we must not accept as normal or accept as unavoidable what has gone wrong, but face it, lovingly in God’s grace, and keep striving for the best God has to offer.
Let us encourage marriages, come along side and help single parents, and make the best choices we can in whatever circumstances we find ourselves, with God’s help and strength.
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